Things I Wish Everyone Knew: Air Travel Edition

(This has nothing to do with Disneyland. Unfortunately, I haven't been in about a year- my longest dry-streak yet. Maybe after this little girl gets here, I'll take her sometime.)

There's nothing like spending a few minutes on facebook to remind me how "judgy" and self-righteous I can be. When I'm feeling especially annoyed at people's lack of understanding of basic grammar rules, sometimes I compose a mental list entitled "Things I Wish Everyone Knew." I'm always too afraid to actually write and post these lists because they will expose me as the judgmental person I am. But, here goes anyways. I'm going to avoid grammar for now in the hopes of offending less people.

Things I Wish Everyone Knew: Air Travel Edition

1. Flying is NOT a right. Nowhere in the constitution does it mention an inalienable right to convenient travel by air. You have no more right to fly than you do to buy a burger at McDonald's. Flying is a privilege. Airlines are businesses and as such, can chose to provide you service or not. It does not matter if you flew a week ago, or your sister flew two days ago, or your cousin's neighbor's doctor's friend's dog flew an hour ago, or if you once heard about someone who heard about someone else who flew. You still have no RIGHT to fly. (Can you tell it drives me crazy when people complain about their "God-given right" to fly?)
2. Checking luggage is taking a calculated risk. You are choosing to put your possessions in the hands of someone else and hope that it gets there the same way you sent it and at the same time as you. Airlines rarely lose or misplace baggage, but it can (and sometimes does) happen. Your ticket, buddy pass, life savings, driver's licence, passport, and medications don't belong in checked luggage. Common sense, people.
3. You are not the only passenger flying today. If you wear offensive clothing, try to bring your refrigerator as a carry-on, or drink a copious amount of alcohol prior to boarding, you might have an issue getting on the flight.
4. CSAs (Customer Service Agents) cannot tell your child's age by merely looking at them. It doesn't matter if your child is an hour old, the airline will still ask you for your birth certificate if you want them to travel for free. Before you complain, please refer to #1. (Also, when there are multiple announcements saying that your flight is completely full, please don't keep your lap-child in a seat and act as though they can't possibly be referring to you.)
5. Airline employees are not weather Gods. Your whining, screaming, shouting, and general temper-tantrum-ing will not change the fact that your flight is grounded or weather-delayed. Additionally, just because it's sunny and clear in PHX, doesn't mean your flight cannot be weather delayed. Let's keep in mind the fact that your plane might be coming from New York, where it might be snowing.
6. If you show up 30 minutes before your flight and you miss it, you are at fault. When the airline offers to let you be on the standby list for a flight 4 hours later, you should smile and graciously accept their more than generous offer. This is like you missing a movie you pre-paid for and the movie theater saying, "We'd be happy to let you in the next showing at no additional charge if there is room available." It's an act of generosity on their part.
7. The seats at the back of the airplane get you there at the same time as the seats at the front of the plane. You don't have to fight to sit in the front. It's okay to sit somewhere else.
8. Overhead bins are for large carry-on items, not your shopping bag or sweater. It's selfish of you to put all your worldly possessions in the bin. That's what the space under the seat is for. Please refer to #3.
9. TSA stands for Thousands Standing Around. Yes, they are annoying. Yes, it is a nuisance. No, it's not fun or convenient or easy. Regardless, you will still need to be screened. You will still need to remove your shoes and jacket. You will still have to take your laptop and liquids out. Just deal with it. Please refer to #1.
10. Southwest is the best airline. :)

Preachy enough for you? Thanks for humoring me and allowing me to self-righteously express my thoughts. I'm sure I have more pet-peeves than this, but I'm sick of typing for now.